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December 8th, 2005 (12:18 am)

current mood: crushed
current song: Kenny Chesney

So I know its been a while since I last updated....well, more than a while...hell, its been a month. I've been a slackass. Working two jobs, killing me. I'm tired constantly and when I do get online I barely have enough time check my emails. Nothing really new is going on. Casey came home on November 21 and goes back to DC on December 29. So just about 40 days to spend with him. So far, I only really have half of that to spend with him now. Lotsa issues going on there. Yeah, we've only been dating for 6 months and frankly that doesn't matter because we've been good friends for a long time. I've written time and time again about how different he is since he came back from Iraq. Its only been 2 months since he was hurt. I love him more now than I ever have. I just want a Thank you or an I love you or for him to take me out on a date. Anything else but to sit in the bedroom and watch TV, its just not healthy. He claims that I work too much. But, he also forgets that I quit my really good paying job and college to come stay with him while he was hurt. I have to work this much to make ends meet. He also forgets that the whole time that he was in Iraq, he couldn't wait to talk to me, couldn't wait to be with me, and couldn't wait to be home. Now that he's got those things...he could care less. I can't remember the last time he said I love you without me saying it first. Tonight, we're watching American Soldier on CMT and they were showing soldiers while they're talking on the phone to loved ones and I got a little emotional. Its hard to watch someone else go through something you yourself have gone through. He didn't grab my hand or try to make me feel better or even say a word. That's just not him. I WANT MY BOYFRIEND BACK. I am really mad and digusted with the fact that if he had not gone there in the first place he would be the same guy I fell in love with. I don't want to be the nagging girlfriend but recently that's all I've become with him. It always seems like I'm mad at something. We had this same discussion last weekend and I got so mad, I slammed the door, and seriously thought it was over between us. He did buck up and come to my house, talked to me like an adult, told me that he couldn't live without me (I know its there somewhere), and stayed at my house. But the next back to not calling me, or caring if I called him. Am I holding on to something that's not there anymore? Or I am holding on to something that I know is still there? I'm so confused. I just love him more than anything.


Posted by: Little Miss Cranky Pants (misscrankypants)
Posted at: December 8th, 2005 01:53 pm (UTC)

I am so sorry you are going through this. It seems like when they get back sometimes they forget that it is hard for you as well because they are so focused on themselves. The best thing you can do is the hardest thing, give him time and space. You guys need to re-learn how things are going to work between you now, on the other side of this terrible thing that happened. You can't expect him to be the guy he was, that is impossible. Just like it is impossible for you to be the girl you were before this happened. You will grow together or you will grow apart. It is up to you both which it will be.

I really hope this works out for you; I can tell by your posts how much you love this man. He's lucky to have you and I'm sure that even if he doesn't say it he knows that. In fact, he may be telling you in his own way but you just don't recognize it right now.

Hang in there. *hugs*

Posted by: Jen (amazing_chaos)
Posted at: December 8th, 2005 07:08 pm (UTC)

I am so sorry you are going through such a hard time. You have been a rock for him. Right now though, he may not appreciate it because he has been thru a near death experience that probably changed him quite a bit. He needs time to think on his life and he is probably still thinking of his time in Iraq. I can't imagine what he is going through.

I can't imagine what YOU are going through either. All I know is that I respect you so much for sticking by him through his pain the way you have been. You are a wonderful person. Give him time, hopefully he will go back to the Casey you fell in love with. Two months probably seems like ages, but his whole life (and yours)changed with in a matter of seconds, and some people are slower to react and deal with changes than others are.

Just keep being strong, do things FOR YOURSELF also, pamper yourself, hang in there, keep the faith. I'm sure the same Casey you fell in love with is still there. And I'm sure he still loves you just as much. It's funny, the times the guys need us THE MOST is usually the times that they back off from us....

*hugs* I'm here for you if you ever need me.

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