current mood: stressed
I know that I just updated like an hour ago, and just to warn you this post is going to very emotional and personal.
I have done everything in the world for that boy and it just seems that whatever I do I get nothing in return. I want to talk, I call him, and he is asleep. He fell asleep and didn't call me back. I don't want to be that psycho girlfriend that has to call in the middle of the night because she doesn't know where her man is. And calls like a hundred times and even asks the roomate "Do you know where Casey is?" I am not that girl. I am the concerned girlfriend, who spent weeks watching her man suffer in a hospital room the size of my bathroom, who can't sleep at night for the fear of something bad happening to him because she's already almost lost him once. I cry at night because I want him here beside me and the stupid ARMY won't let him out because he's not a certain percentage disabled. I deal with the bullshit about 'where is your boyfriend' and 'don't you miss him', and 'I couldn't do that'-you know the stupid shit that no one has to deal with unless you're a military loved one. I AM that girl. I cannot even begin to put into words how much I love and care about Casey. As soon as I saw him, I knew that was it for me. I literally said, "I want to marry him." I am terrified of losing the one person that I care about more than anything. I am the one who watched him go though so much, who held his hand when they took out his stitches, the one who changed his bandages and wiped his nose because he couldn't, the one who supoorted him even when he hated the world, the one who really wanted a date but didn't go on one because he didn't want to be around people. I quit my school and my job to take care of him for two months and can't even make a FUCKING PHONE CALL to talk to me about what's going on here at home. I don't know if he just doesn't want to talk because he can't be here and do anything about OR if he just doesn't want to talk at all. There should be a manual for military girlfriends and if there is one, can someone send it to me? I don't deserve this. If I'm sick, I want him here to take care of me, rub my tummy, and wipe my tears. I just want my boyfriend back. PLEASE!!!!! If President Bush was here right now, I'd punch him. They're making him more depressed and more miserable by keeping him there away from the things that make him happy and with people that he doesn't know. If I want to go see him, I can't. If I want to kiss him, I can't. If I want a hug, I can't get one. And you know what sucks even worse, if I can't even hear "I love you." when I want. I know he loves me. I know he misses me. He doesn't have to say it. But for all the time that HE chose for US to spend apart, I want SOMETHING!!!! I feel like I could stay up all night crying but I know that he wouldn't want me doing that. I really hate the ARMY right now, and I hate Washington DC, and I hate hate hate IRAQ! I would really give a million dollars if Casey could come home tomorrow. So God, if you're listening (or reading) could you please bring my boyfriend back to Prosperity like in the next month. I will really do better if you can. I promise that I will quit drinking and cursing and go to church more often. Please do this. I can't afford a plane ticket to go up there. I have 20 dollars to my name right now. If you don't bring him home, can I please win the lottery so I can't buy a ticket to go see him.